Every New Year I would, like most people, set aside time to make my resolutions for the coming year. I was a firm believer that if I set clear intentions for what I wanted to achieve, that my life would be lived on purpose rather than by default.
My resolutions were never small: start my own company, run a marathon, move to England, Get a Master’s, get a second one, travel, teach, speak, write. Every year my question was the same “What can I DO to challenge myself? What can I DO to grow?”
But all of that changed in December 2021.
The world was slowly emerging from nearly 2 years of lockdown. Our understanding of how the world worked had been changed forever changed.
Just before Covid I had lost my parents, one to Alzheimer’s and the other to a broken heart. I was keeping up with the Jone’s, dutifully moving up the corporate ladder with obligatory side-hustle based a degree that had almost killed me. I read the books, listened to the podcasts, and took all the courses on how to be smarter…. healthier…. wealthier…… happier.
And yet, despite it all I had been battling depression for years. The ’spark’ that had led me on a thousand adventures, was nowhere to be found.
We live in a “what’s next?” culture: What’s your next goal? What’s your next project? What’s your next step? And as a result, we get caught up in the pace of life. – going from one thing to the next, faster and faster, calling it growth, progress, and achievement.
We get so caught up in our race to the next big thing that we forget to pause, to reflect, and to integrate our experience. We don’t give ourselves the time to notice what we’ve learned, how our our world has changed… how WE have changed. We don’t stop to ask ourselves if the the ladder we’re climbing or the road we’re traveling is still the one we actually WANT.
I weighed 89 pounds. I was emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausted.
That New years eve, the idea of adding even one more thing into a life that was already collapsing under its own weight, was more than I could take.
There was nothing left in me to give.
And so that year, instead of choosing what I wanted to create… I chose what I wanted to leave behind.
There were habits that didn’t serve me, relationships that drained me, goals and projects that just… weren’t…. mine.
My days were governed by “should’s, ought’s, and musts”. There was no space for “want” or “hope” or “joy”…
I didn’t make a to-do list or follow a 12-step plan, or use the 4-box method. I didn’t try to Marie Kondo my life – I simply decided to leave them all behind.
I committed to noticing when I “should / ought / or must” do something and to instead do NOTHING.
I created space in my life.
I allowed myself to just BE… as I was, where I was.
My exhausted mind and body found the rest they needed.
I found stillness.
I found silence… and in that silence I could finally hear my whispering heart.
A few months later I was on a plane to America. I was going to be mentored and teach yoga in one of the best studios in the country by one of the best teachers in the world.
I started to create again. I was teaching, writing, and speaking.
I was reconnecting with life.
That fall Daisy found me and not long after I found Thrivent.
In less than a year I had radically changed my life. I was no longer going through the motions – doing what I “should” do, living the life I “should” live – I was doing the things I loved, working for a company I believed in, and I was surrounded by people that brought joy to my days.
I had found my spark. Turns out, it was there all along – It just needed some space to shine through.
So last year, I decided to take it further. I was learning how to leave behind what I should DO…. but what about who I should BE…
We all carry them around: the beliefs about ourselves that other people gave us. Whether we think we’re funny, smart or talented….confident….artistic…athletic… we live behind the walls made up of other people’s opinions about we can and can’t do, what we can or can’t have, who we are, or who should or shouldn’t be…
I thought of all the times I let the opinions of my parents, teachers, friends, ex’s, bosses, neighbors, television, magazines, strangers on instagram … determine if I was I smart enough, healthy enough… successful enough…. if my work was good enough, if my life was good enough.. if I was good enough…
And so I wondered, could I remember who I was before the world told me who I should be?
In January, I left behind the belief that at my age I should have it all together, that I should have a plan, and a house.. that I should think about settling down.
I didn’t know where I wanted to go or what to do, and I didn’t try to figure it out.
I wanted creating space… to discover who was underneath.
I gave myself permission to be anyone I wanted to be, and so I chose to recklessly chase a dream I had had since I was a child, to go on an adventure and live out a story I could hardly wait to tell.
A few weeks later I had planned a route from Cape Cod to California.
By March I had sold or donated nearly everything I owned. I noticed how with each item I wasn’t just letting go of “things” – I was letting go of pieces of me – pieces that _someone else_ wanted, or believed me to be.
In April Daisy and I set off on our grand adventure.
I had a list of destinations but no plans for when we got there. Every stop was an opportunity to explore more of life on every level – to try on new ways of living…. To try on new ways of BEing. …and a chance to leave behind another piece of of someone else’s version of me that I had been carrying.
What I discovered underneath it all, is that I am braver than I could have ever imagined… that I can be both soft and strong. That I’m better at far more things that I give myself credit for. That I know to love, that it is safe to grieve, and that I can forgive – not just others, but also myself.
When we set off our adventure I thought I would find home in California – and in a way I know I have. What I’ve found these past few months is that home was never a place – it was 4 paws and 4am texts, FaceTiming with old friends, and having lunch with new ones. It was reconnecting with the family I was given, and staying connected with the family I have chosen.
Tomorrow we are off again. This time to Texas to spend Christmas with my brothers. It’ll be the first time in 20 years and I’ll finally get to meet my Nephew for the first time.
As I was packing at the weekend I looked over all the things I had been carrying along for the life I was going to have “some day”. It was a life packed by the me that started this journey, and I found myself asking – is that the “Me” I still want to be? Is that the life I’m still looking for?
How many of my imagined tomorrows have been made by my yesterdays? What limits have my past selves placed on my future happiness? What unimagined love, joy, or happiness am I keeping myself from?
Maybe …this year… it’s time to leave behind all the dreams I’ve been carrying…
“Happiness turned to me and said, ‘It is time. It is time to forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn’t save, for all the fragile hearts you fumbled with in the dark of your confusion. It is time, child, to accept that you don’t have to be who you were a year ago, that you don’t have to want the same things. Above all else, it is time to believe, with reckless abandon, that you are worthy of me, for I have been waiting for years.’
When we become as intentional about what we leave behind as what we are creating, we make room for amazing things to happen. We become lighter… freer. We create space in our hearts and our lives for love, hope…. We open the doors and let happiness come rushing in.
So I leave you today, with this one question…
When new year’s eve comes, what could you leave behind ?
